


The things we do for love

by orphan_account



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Short term memory loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-09
Updated: 2017-09-09
Packaged: 2018-12-25 18:22:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12041607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Post 2x16Alec is hurt on mission and loses some but not all memories.... it just so happens that the ones he misplaces are fairly important.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pinkfraugy](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=pinkfraugy).



Chapter 1

“Ugh.... Iz..... Jace? What's going on?”

Alec tried sitting up but was gently pushed back down by the two people in question.

  
“Relax..... you took a pretty bad knock to the head.... you've been out for a few hours. Do you remember?”

  
Alec scrunched his eyes shut blocking out the harsh infirmary lighting, “Yeah, that thing came out of nowhere.... you guys got it for me right?”

  
“Yeah, it's toast.” Jace said, sharing a concerned look with Izzy. It hadn't come out of nowhere, Alec had been spaced out, no doubt thinking about a certain ex Warlock and he hadn't reacted to the creature in time.

  
Sitting up now Alec rubbed his hand over eyes, checking his watch at the same time, “So am I good to go or what?”

  
“Brother Enoch said you can leave but you're off duty for the rest of the day,” Izzy explained.

  
“Fine by me,” Alec said getting up carefully, “I have somewhere to be anyway.”

  
Izzy and Jace shared a look again. Since when did their brother have a social life. It had been barely there even when dating Magnus but since the breakup he hadn't even left the Institute except on mission. What was he up to?

  
X X X

  
Magnus stood stock still in his living room as he stared down Alec's affront to common decency.... the nerve of him just letting himself in uninvited. He needed to reconfigure his wards.

  
Shaking off the initial shock Magnus walked up to him, placing a hand on each shoulder and pushed him backwards towards the door. “ I'll thank you not to just waltz in like you own the place... Shadowhunter..”

“Shadowhunter?” Alec sputtered confused by the actions and the words, “I know I'm late for dinner but that's a little harsh don't you think?”

  
“I'm not interested in whatever games you're playing Alec” Magnus said coldly as he shut the door in his face.

  
“Magnus, I don't understand! We can still make it to the Cape right?” Alec pounded on the door, he hadn't thought Magnus would get this upset over dinner, “I would have called but I was unconscious at the time”

  
The Cape? Unconscious? Magnus puzzled over the words, determined not to bite.... he bit.

  
“What are you talking about?” he said yanking the door back open. The look of utter confusion and helplessness on Alec's face made him realise that this was no joke.

  
“We were supposed to go to the Cape for dinner... Lobster and Champagne.....”

  
“Yes and you forgot and I came to.....”

  
“What? No I didn't forget …. I got hit on the head earlier and I was passed out which is why I'm late but I didn't forget....”

  
“Alec, you're not making any sense.” Magnus said, the fact that Alec had mentioned getting hit on the head making Magnus realise that Alec clearly had forgotten something..... even if it wasn't dinner.

  
“Me?” Alec said, “You're the one that won't let me in.... what's going on?”

  
“I'm not sure Alec but I think you should come and sit down while I call your sister ok?” Magnus didn't mean to make it sound like he was talking to a child, but concern mixed with his affected cool demeanour came out that way. Alec's face said he didn't appreciate it.

  
Alec sat on the black sofa and eyed Magnus suspiciously .,.. had he been cursed or jinxed or something? He was acting weird. Magnus didn't call him Alexander exclusively but two Alec's in one night...not even factoring in the whole Shadowhunter thing... that was just plain weird.

  
X X X

  
“And nobody thought to tell me?” Magnus asked incredulously as Izzy explained Alec's accident. He was standing in the hall now, Alec out on the balcony out of ear shot.

  
“No offence Magnus but you're not exactly top of the call list anymore,” she stated.

  
“Yes, well maybe I should be..... Would you please tell Mr. Herondale that if he has an opinion he should just come out and say it!” he added as he heard Jace huff something sarcastically in the background. They were on speaker so Jace could hear him but speaking to him directly spoilt the theatrics.

  
“Look, arguing isn't getting you anywhere” Clary cut in, as the one that was the least emotionally invested she was the de-facto voice of reason.

  
“You're right.....look Magnus just keep him there, we're coming over.” Izzy said ending the call and leaving Magnus with his head in his hands. This is just the kind of drama he didn't need right now.

  
X X X

  
Magnus had been pacing the loft, drink in hand since he'd got off the phone. Given the look on his face Alec thought that he would have had a drink in both hands if he hadn't needed one free to conjure refills.

  
After the first glare he'd gotten Alec hadn't dared ask what was going on a second time. Magnus seemed worried and pissed and Alec had the feeling that somehow he was responsible for both emotions.

  
“Finally!” Magnus exclaimed as the others arrived and he whisked them into his room before they could even get a look at Alec.

  
“I don't care what this mess is but the three of you need to take Alec home and fix it yourselves,” he instructed forcefully to hide the confused emotions he was experiencing.

  
Izzy just folded her arms in defiance, “Oh please Magnus, Alec might buy this whole , 'I'm the High Warlock of not giving a crap' thing you've got going on but it's not gonna fly here.”  
Magnus glared and pouted in equal measure, finger pointed at her tersely wishing he hadn't left his Martini glass in the other room.

  
“What does he remember”? Jace asked cutting through the drama

  
“I haven't broached that topic with him yet” Magnus said sheepishly, shame setting in as he realised that he hadn't actually spoken to Alec at all since his phone call. Too wrapped up in his own head.

  
Izzy gave him an unimpressed knowing look and brushed past him to go and find Alec.

  
“Iz? What's going on? Why are you all acting so weird?” he asked frustrated.

  
“We think maybe you bumped your head a little harder than we thought and it knocked some memories loose.”

  
“I feel fine.” Alec said.

  
“That's good but what's the last thing you remember before waking up in the hospital?” she asked.

  
“Magnus called me when I was in my office last night and we arranged dinner. Dad came by, we talked and he left. I carried on working until late, went to bed and then we went on mission this morning? Why?”

  
“And if I said to you Sebastian?”....

  
“I'd say, yeah, what about him?” Alec said, no recognition that he was actually Jonathan.

  
“And you don't remember anything about Max getting hurt?” she said, getting a picture of how much time was missing.

  
“Max is hurt... what happened. Why isn't anyone with him”? Alec panicked.

  
The others watched on in silence as they pieced together what Alec knew and didn't. Magnus felt like he was being pushed into the ground with the weight of a big realisation.

  
“No, no Alec, relax, Max is fine..... he was hurt over a week ago.....I think you've lost some time.” Izzy explained comfortingly.

  
“I don't understand,” Alec said rubbing his aching neck.

  
“I know.... just give us all a minute ok, we'll talk and be right back.” Izzy motioned for the others to follow her back into the bedroom.

  
“So he's lost about a week?” Jace said, “I guess it could be worse.”

  
“I'm not sure it could,” Magnus said sombrely. “he doesn't know that we broke up.... I should have known from the second he let himself in.... he has no idea that we....” he trailed off unable to say it again.

  
“So what do we do?” Clary asked.

  
“We tell him the truth,” Jace said, “It'll hurt but he can't go on thinking everything is ok. It crushed him the first time …...sorry,” he stopped himself as saw Magnus wince.

  
The thought almost bought Magnus to his knees.... to break Alec's heart a second time... on purpose.. no he couldn't do it.... but he had to.

  
“Do you want to fill him in on the basics first?” Magnus said, “then you can leave and I'll talk to him about us in private."

  
“Or maybe we don't tell him anything?” Izzy thought out loud.

  
“I don't like where this is going Isabelle.”

"I agree with Magnus,” Jace said, “there's no way that doesn't end badly."

  
“Why wouldn't we tell him”? Clary asked, “what's to gain by keeping the secret?”

  
“His head isn't in the game. You saw what happened to him today when he was distracted, what if it's worse next time."

  
“Alec's a soldier Iz, I doubt there's gonna be a next time, this was just a bad day.” Jace said, his brother wasn't some love sick school boy that couldn't look after himself after all. “and if we keep it from him now, where do we draw the line?”

  
“In all the time that you've known him, when has he ever had a bad day Jace...never... look I'm sorry Magnus but this break up has really affected him, it's like he can't focus and I just don't want to see my brother hurt.”

  
“He won't be happy if he finds out,” Clary said.

  
“I'm afraid the answer is no Isabelle, I agree with the premise of keeping Alexander safe but not the method... I'm sorry.”

  
They all stepped back into the living area resigned to the fact that they would tell him the truth right then but after taking one look at him, his tired eyes, tense shoulders and general world weary disposition all logic and reason went out the window. If anything ever happened to him they would be devastated.  
Maybe playing along for a while would keep Alec's head clear and keep him safe..... maybe it was cruel and a lie and the worst thing Magnus had ever done in his many centuries in this life.

  
Knowing even as he said it that it was wrong he couldn't help the words coming out of his mouth...

  
“Until Valentine is captured... no longer”  
He looked each of them in the eye in turn, Izzy was happy but sad at the same time, Clary was non-committal and Jace was livid.

  
“I don't like this...” Jace whispered heavily to Magnus, Clary and Izzy were already in the living room, filling Alec in on the non relationship drama bits of his forgotten memories, “ this is gonna blow up in everyone's faces.... what if he remembers on his own before Valentine is captured... what if he doesn't and you tell him after? How do you see a good outcome for this?”

  
“If it keeps him safe.....” Magnus justified knowing deep down that the only one he was keeping safe was himself. He was being selfish by not wanting to see that heartbroken look in Alec's eyes again, but Jace was right, there was no avoiding it... it would come either way.

  
Magnus had just made a terrible mistake.


	2. Chapter 2

  
  


**Chapter 2**

“So Valentine has the soul sword, Sebastian is Jonathan and Max was hurt but now he's ok?” Alec re-capped as they lay in bed that night.

They lay side by side not touching which was weird, Magnus was usually a cuddler but it had been a trying day so Alec didn't think too much of it. Magnus _had_ waited until Alec was dressed and already in bed before he came in the room though and then got changed in the bathroom which was odd... he'd never done that before.

“I've done something wrong haven't I?” Alec asked, causing Magnus' heart to race.

He knew he had been acting off with Alec but what was he supposed to do? They were broken up, kissing or holding him now just felt wrong, on many levels. But wasn't the whole point of this to act normal so that Alec would act normal and not get himself knocked senseless again by worrying over the break up! What a mess.

“Look, if it was something I did that I've forgotten then just tell me so I can apologise.... or apologise again I guess....” Alec said putting a hand to Magnus' face and turning him to look at him. “Magnus.... something isn't right, just tell me.”

Magnus almost shivered under the touch, he had missed it badly and it sent sensations that he had no right feeling through his body. Those sensations were cut short by the notion that Alec had just given him the perfect out to this whole charade... just tell him the truth.

An image of Alec lying broken and bleeding flashed across his eyes for just a second. Magnus knew it was just a figment but it was enough to talk him back into this nonsense that he was perpetrating.

“Everything is fine Alexander,” he said rubbing Alec's hand, albeit stilted, “It's just been a very long day. Get some rest.”

Magnus turned to face away from Alec and cursed himself in every way he knew for what he was allowing himself to do. After he had berated Alec for lying about the soul sword no less.. this was a thousand times worse.

Magnus hadn't really considered the practicalities of the living arrangements when they had filled Alec in on the strategic aspects of his memory blank earlier. Just naturally assuming that Alec would go back to the Institute, but _of course_ he wouldn't, Alec always slept over, why would this be any different to him now?

They lay there in the darkness, facing away from each other, as separated as they had ever been. Magnus had no idea how he could have been foolish enough to allow himself to do this.

XXX

Alec woke up alone that morning, it wasn't completely out of the ordinary for that to happen but he felt a pit in his stomach. It had been growing with each out of character thing Magnus did, making Alec worry more and more that something had happened that he couldn't fix.

He headed out into the living area and saw that Magnus was on the balcony, mixing a variety of ingredients together, wisps of magic floating in the air. Alec was no expert on magic but he knew enough to know that Magnus had probably been at it for a while... he did this when he couldn't sleep.... _why_ couldn't he sleep?

“Morning?” Alec smiled as he stood at the entrance to the balcony. Magnus kept his eyes cast away and mumbled something that sounded like 'Good Morning' back but Alec couldn't be sure. Magnus would normally have greeted Alec with a returned smile, wrapping his arms around him with a kiss, but today, he hadn't even looked at him.

Alec swallowed hard and wanted to ask what was wrong but he couldn't bear to hear any more lies, so he turned slowly back the way he had come. Only then did Magnus lift his gaze, watching as Alec walked away, shoulders slumped, head cast down. He didn't deserve this.... and acting strangely was only going to mess with Alec's head even more, defeating the whole purpose of this pretense. He had to try harder to put on a brave face.

“Alexander,” he called out before Alec rounded the corner back to the bedroom.

Alec stopped and turned, a cautious look in his eye, “forgive me Alexander,” Magnus smiled walking up to him, his façade better but not perfect, “That spell was particularly complex, I.....should have greeted you properly.”

Reaching out tentatively, Magnus pulled Alec into a hug. Alec wrapped his arms around Magnus' waist after a pause, tilting his head back to try and see Magnus' expression, he had never felt so far away in Magnus' arms before. Magnus had his arms wrapped around Alec's shoulders, head resting on one, but his lower body could have been miles away. The embrace was empty and cold and even though they both said nothing they both knew it.

Pulling back, Magnus placed a kiss to Alec's cheek, he couldn't kiss him on the lips, not now, that was a boundary that he couldn't cross... for both of their sakes. “Good morning.” he said, avoiding Alec's gaze.

“Is it?” Alec asked, “you say nothings wrong... but your actions don't match your words Magnus.”

Magnus stood silently, this was 'get out' opportunity number two, he should just tell the truth. “I'm sorry, it's just....”

“Been a long day?” Alec interjected with Magnus' excuse from the night before, knowing the irony of it given that it was first thing in the morning.

Magnus shrugged and gave a raise of the eyebrow as an answer, what could he say that would make this any less strange. Bracing himself for the guilt he would feel at doing it, he stepped in and held Alexander properly, hoping it would be enough to stem the tide for now.

His skin burned where it connected with Alec's, his heart racing as Alec clutched desperately to his shirt, head buried into his shoulder. “I'm sorry I've been acting strangely,” Magnus whispered, honestly meaning it this time “I can't explain it, I....”

“It's ok,” Alec said pulling him closer, feeling safe in Magnus' arms this time and feeling like everything would be ok now.... if only he knew.

X X X

“Hey Magnus, you here?” Alec called as he came through the door that night, take out in hand. Magnus had been out of sorts since his accident, Alec thought maybe it was because of the reminder of his mortality, he had no idea of the truth.

He wanted to do something nice so he'd stopped at Magnus' favourite place on the way home and picked up some dinner for them.

Magnus was in his bedroom when he heard Alec call for him, bracing his shoulders and painting on a smile, he headed out to greet him.

“Alexander, welcome home,” He said placing a kiss to his cheek and a gentle hug. Alec smiled to himself, everything was ok.

“I bought your favourite,” Alec said holding up the bag.

“Thoughtful as ever,” Magnus charmed, only losing the small as his back was turned.

“At the table or on the sofa?” Alec asked,

“The balcony?” Magnus said, adding a wink to sell it even more, he needed some air if he was going to keep up this mockery without passing out from guilt.

“Sure,” Alec said setting the food down outside, “hurry though before it goes cold.” he called.

“Just getting us some drinks,” Magnus said handing Alec a glass of red wine.

“Thanks,” Alec said taking it and re-positioning himself on the sofa as Magnus sat beside him.

They sat in comfortable silence, at least it was to Alec, but for Magnus it was almost as bad as the agony rune all over again, but this time self inflicted.

When the food was finished, Alec cleaned up and joined Magnus in the living room, music playing softly in the background. Magnus had hoped that that and the several glasses of wine he'd had would make him feel better..... it didn't.

“Wanna dance?” Alec smiled,

“You don't like dancing,” Magnus stated,

“I do when it's with you,” Alec said taking his hand, and damn, if that wasn't the most heart wrenching thing Magnus could have heard in that moment.

Magnus pulled Alec to him and buried his face in Alec's shoulder, partly to keep up the pretence, but mostly to hide the tears. He wanted Alec back like this so badly, and knowing that every moment that they spent together was a lie chipped away at his soul a bit at a time.

Alec ran his fingers through the back of Magnus' hair contentedly before leaning in for a kiss. Magnus knew he should resist, turn away, but he was lost in Alec's eyes and before he knew it, lips were touching lips and he was lost entirely.

Magnus poured himself into it, cupping Alec's face in both hands, memorising every thing he couldn't have again. This was a one time slip up. He couldn't allow himself to have this anymore.

Alec rested his forehead against Magnus' pulling back from the kiss for air, he could sense something was different. The intensity of the moment was off somehow, but he couldn't place if that was a good or a bad thing.

“Shall we go to bed?” Alec asked, tone innocent.

“I have some things I need to finish up,” Magnus lied, what was one more? He didn't know what Alec was intending to happen when they reached the bedroom but he couldn't put himself in the path of temptation. “I'll be there shortly,” he said stroking Alec's bicep lightly.

“Ok,” Alec said, heading to the door, trying to ignore the strangeness in the air,” I love you, good night.”

Magnus swallowed deeply with his back turned, he couldn't say it no matter how much he wanted to.

“Good night Alexander.” he smiled turning his head but not his body towards Alec.

Alec's eyes widened when Magnus didn't say it back, he _always_ said it back, and then closed in realisation at what had been so off between them. _Magnus didn't love him anymore._


	3. Chapter 3

  
  


**Chapter 3**

“He doesn't love me anymore” Alec said to Izzy as calmly as if he was telling her the time. He'd been up all night thinking it over and he knew it to be true now.... waking up alone had helped drive that point home even more.

“What?” she asked, genuinely surprised, she had just come to ask if he wanted to get some lunch.

“Magnus.... he doesn't love me anymore.... It's over for him but he just doesn't know how to say it.... but he's gonna break up with me.. I just know it.”

“Alec..... of course he still loves you,” Izzy said holding her brother close, she knew that no matter what might be going on that Magnus _did_ love her brother.

“Then why is he pushing me away? You know what's wrong don't you.... Izzy, please tell me so I can fix this.”

“It''s gonna be ok,” she soothed, avoiding the subject.

“I wish I could believe that,” Alec sighed, he knew she was holding something back.

X X X

“Isabelle,” Magnus said with insincere cheerfulness as he opened the door, “If you're looking for Alec he isn't here.”

“No,” she said tensely, “he's at the Institute obsessing over the fact that you don't love him anymore. The whole point of this was to clear his head not fill it with something else to worry about! It's been _one day_ Magnus, we need to be better at this!”

“Well, do forgive me Miss. Lightwood,” Magnus said derisively, pain lancing through him as he heard the full truth of how Alec was feeling “perhaps next time you ask me to lie to your brother you should leave an instruction manual so I can make sure I do it right.”

“I'm gonna hope the brother you're referring to is Jace,” came Alec's flat voice behind them. They hadn't heard him enter. “Are you gonna explain?” he asked them both. He had been going stir crazy stuck in his office and had headed to Magnus' to get this over with.

Izzy and Magnus shared anxious glances, this was not good.

“You were right,” Izzy began, hoping to salvage this in some way “Magnus _is_ pushing you away...but not for the reason you think.... you knew about the soul sword before anyone else and you didn't tell him.”

“Tell me something I don't know,” Alec said, his mind fixating on Magnus' voice saying that he had been lying to him.... about what... for how long?

“You remember?” Magnus asked nervously. Did he remember everything?

“No,” Alec answered, “It's all still a blank, but with the fact that the soul sword is out in the open and you've been acting strange..... It wasn't hard to figure out what I'd done. I don't know if I've apologised, or if you even want to hear it but I _am_ sorry. Please don't let this tear us apart.”

“Don't apologise Alexander,” Magnus said feeling sick to his stomach. He didn't deserve an apology after what he had done.

Izzy and Magnus shared another look, silently asking the other if they needed to end this now. The broken look in Magnus' eyes gave her all the answer she needed, he couldn't do this anymore.... not that it had worked anyway.

“There's more,” Izzy said softly, she couldn't meet his eyes at first and hers filled with tears as she eventually did, “Magnus isn't going to break up with you Alec.” her heart broke at the relieved little smile on her brother's face, she was about to destroy him completely with her next words..... “he already did.”

Alec froze in place as he registered the words. His eyes filled with tears of guilt, sadness, rage and he couldn't stop them falling as he looked to Magnus to see if this was really true. Magnus couldn't meet his eyes.

If this was a movie it would be the moment where all his memories came rushing back to him. The big reveal! But no.... there was nothing, an overwhelming void.

He bowed his head and swallowed back tears with a shake of his head before turning and heading for the door. He hadn't said a word, he didn't know which ones to start with. There was a burning rage inside him that they had allowed him to believe that he and Magnus were still together, to play happy families when nothing was further from the truth. A sense of guilt that whatever had happened it was undoubtedly his fault... he just couldn't remember.

He hadn't even tried to process the fact that they were over yet, it was easier to bury that deep down and never think of it again.

He ignored their voices as they called after him. He couldn't be around anyone he knew right now. He had never felt so alone.

X X X

“Isabelle?” Magnus questioned as he answered his phone, “Is everything ok?”

“No..... Is Alec with you? No-one has seen him since he left your place. Jace has tried tracking him but he must be blocking him somehow. We were hoping he'd gone to talk things over with you....” Izzy's voice was frantic with worry.

“No, he's not here.” Magnus paced as she continued talking but he didn't register a word. Was Alec missing? Was he hiding? Was he........no, he wouldn't allow himself to finish that morbid thought.

“I'm coming over,” Magnus cut in, creating and stepping through a portal without even disconnecting the line.

“Where could he be?” Izzy said, walking up to Magnus as he appeared in the room.

“He's in Idris,” her mother's voice answered sternly, “how could you Isabelle? And you Magnus.... I expected more of all of you.”

Izzy ducked her head in shame, she had been on the receiving end of Maryse's stern brow many a time but this time it was truly justified.

“We're so sorry, we were trying to protect him.” Izzy said desperately.

Maryse sighed, she knew in their own misguided way they had been trying to help Alec, but she had never seen her son so utterly devastated. He'd stepped through the portal to Idris, which was surprise enough, seething with pent up rage one minute, stunned silent in the next and then when she had put a hand to his arm in comfort he had broken down in her arms. He hadn't done that since he was a child.

“I'm sure you were, but.... any pain that could have come to him in the field pales in comparison to how he feels now.....Jace, you're temporarily in charge of the Institute.”

“What?” Jace asked in surprise, “are you saying he isn't coming back?”

Magnus' heart clenched as tight as his fists, he knew he was the one that had enforced the distance between them in the first place but the idea of not seeing him again.... it pained him more than he could say.

“Not yet at least,” Maryse explained, “he's accepted a mission that will keep him Idris for the time being... I'd come up with some cover story to make you all feel better but we're all adults here and honestly he just doesn't want to see any of you right now.”

The three Shadowhunters and the Warlock watched as Maryse walked away. Magnus wondered if this was how he had made Alec feel over the soul sword. If it was, he wished more than anything that he could take it back.


	4. Chapter 4

  
  


**Chapter 4**

"You're here!" Izzy said crashing into Alec's arms, squeezing him tightly around the waist, she had been waiting not so patiently all day "I've missed you big brother."

Alec had been gone for months, in that time he had reconnected with his siblings and Clary. It had been difficult, there had been anger and tears on all sides but finally reconciliation.

"I've missed you too Iz, how is everyone?"

" _Everyone_?" She asked, head tilted knowingly. Alec hadn't spoken to, or allowed any to speak of Magnus in his presence since he had left. He couldn't face it. "Everyone is fine.... and here."

Alec closed his eyes and let out a breath, _of_ _course_ , it had been too much to hope that he could avoid this.

Izzy sensed his unease and her heart broke for him. She wanted nothing more than to take his pain away, anything not to lose her brother again.

"You don't have to go back to Idris you know, your mission's over now, we need you here and we're all so sorry about what happened. We can work it out."

"I know and I'm not upset about that anymore, you wanted to help. I understand." Alec smiled, there was more he needed to tell her but right now he just wanted to get out of sight before....

"Alexander...." Magnus' voice, soft and almost hesitant greeted Alec from behind.

"Magnus." Alec swallowed, giving the best _"I'm fine and please don't ask me any more about it_ " smile he could muster. Looking away, he steadied his heart and carried on as if Magnus wasn't there ... he couldn't cope with being this near him.

He'd reconciled the fact that in his own way Magnus had been trying to do the right thing but feelings of hurt and betrayal still edged in, mixing with those of regret and loss for his part in things. It was easier to just block him out. Magnus' heart sank as Alec turned away from him, the pain unbearable.

"Well uh Iz.... I've got a debriefing to prepare so we'll catch up later ok..."

He squeezed her shoulder lightly without looking back and headed out into the hallway, pausing to catch his breath. This turned out to be the worst move he could have made, as Magnus followed him, intent on getting out what he needed to say. It had been building since Alec had left for Idris and he couldn't miss his chance to tell him now.

Rounding the corner he saw Alec, one hand on his hip, head ducked down as he braced his other against the wall, eyes shut and breathing deeply. All Magnus wanted to do was reach out and hold him... this was _his_ doing. He slipped back around the corner, watching silently until Alec regained his composure. Alec was often so embarrassed at being caught out in moments like this.

Alec straightened himself up and headed towards his old office to collect a few things, stopped yet again by a familiar and oh so painful sound.

"Alexander.... may I talk to you .... please?"

Magnus' voice again was soft and yielding, it weakened Alec to the core and despite the strongest instinct to run, he slowly turned and for the first time since being back, met the eyes of the man he had lost....who had lied to him.... who he loved more than anything despite all of that. It broke his resolve instantly and he knew that he couldn't leave there without having the conversation he'd been putting off for months. It would be real once the words were spoken aloud.

"Yes.... but not here." He said gesturing to the hallway setting. Their last meeting somewhere like this was still raw and conjured too much pain.

"You remember?" Magnus asked.

"Unfortunately." Alec sighed, before turning towards the direction of his old office.

Magnus knew that Alec had been in touch with his family since he had left, he had heard little bits of information here and there through the Shadowhunter grapevine but he wasn't surprised that no one had told him Alec's memories had returned.

Alec stood beside his former desk, Magnus hovering just inside the doorway. "So how long are you staying?" He asked Alec hoping to ease in with small talk first.

"I'm not." Alec said flatly, needing to get to the point. He hadn't let on to anyone else but there was more to his visit than just a debriefing.

"Another mission?" Magnus prayed that Alec wasn't implying what he thought he was.

"I'm going back to Idris.... permanently." Alec explained solemnly, "I'm here to hand over the institute to Jace... they don't know yet so please let _me_ tell them."

"Of course... but Alexander I don't understand, why would the Clave reassign you...... they didn't, did they?" He asked, at Alec's uneasy silence.

"It was _my_ choice." Alec explained, not wanting to elaborate but knowing he would have to.

"Why?" Magnus stepped forward slightly, voice almost pleading for an answer, "you hate Idris."

"I _**loathe**_ Idris." Alec said with a slight melancholy laugh, before gesturing his hand back and forth between them, " but I hate this more."

Magnus was stunned momentarily by the brutal honesty of Alec's words. They hurt on many levels, even more so knowing that this was his doing.

"Alexan....." he began, Alec cut him off knowing the apology that was coming. He'd heard the same one so many times already from his family.

"Don't.... for a long time I was so angry at you for lying to me, but I don't want to be angry anymore and besides, I lied to you first......”

“It's not a competition Alexander.” Magnus sighed, he still felt so awful for what he had done.

“No it's not, but what I'm trying to say is we both made mistakes. Now we have to learn to live with them”

"P _lease_ don't leave your family because of me Alexander. "

"I can't be here Magnus..... Not with my head the way it is... I can't think straight.... I could get somebody hurt.... I can't live without you , but I have to....I need some time away to work through that."

Magnus was stunned yet again by Alec's depth of feeling for everyone but himself. He loved Magnus so much that he couldn't focus, he loved his family so much that he couldn't risk them.... but he didn't even think for a second about himself. What he wanted.

"I never meant for things to be this way. If I …..”

"I know and I'm not blaming you.” Alec cut him off again, unable to hear it. He had forgiven Magnus somewhere along the way and now he was just stuck with the reality that forgiveness didn't fix anything.... it was already over before any of the memory drama happened and nothing had changed that.

“I _still_ love you Magnus, and even though I don't like that you chose the Downworld I respect that it's _your_ choice and I understand it..... I guess I just want you to know that you _can_ have both.... you just need to _want_ both.”

Magnus looked at him in wonder, how did he still have the right to be loved by this gracious man.

"I love you too,” Magnus all but whispered. “Alexander.. I made the wrong choice, about so many things and I know that..... and I _do_ want both but I don't know how …. We're still at war and I can't risk my people .......”

"I know and that's why I have to leave .... for now." Alec left that open to interpretation in whatever way Magnus needed. "Just remember that wherever I am, a part of me will always be in that hallway waiting for you to turn around." 

' _To choose me....._ ' he left unsaid.

Magnus let the words infiltrate his mind, for so many years, he had been the one that others had cast aside. How could he do the same to Alec now knowing the pain it caused?

Alec took Magnus' silence for the uncertainty that it was and walked towards him, placing a hand gently on his upper arm in a parting gesture. The feeling of each other's touch burning through them both.

Magnus turned to watch Alec walk away, not knowing if he would ever see his beautiful Shadowhunter ever again .


	5. Chapter 5

  
  


**Chapter 5**

"Magnus is coming here.... To Idris?" Alec asked incredulously, surely he had misheard.

"Yes," Maryse confirmed, "and before you say anything, he volunteered." She knew perfectly well that Alec would assume ulterior motives where the Clave was concerned.

"We're in the middle of a war that he's on the opposite side of, I don't buy that," Alec said.

"Well, war or not, clearly Idris has something to offer to him that it didn't before," Maryse smiled kindly as she squeezed her son's arm gently, "we should be ready to greet him at the portal...let's go?"

"I'm not leadership any more, I don't need to be there," Alec stepped back.

He hadn't seen Magnus since their brief but emotionally charged encounter at the Institute when Magnus had make it clear that he still wasn't ready to put in the effort to choose him. It hurt but he wasn't angry at him. He just couldn't face making the first move and being shot down again, if Magnus had really come here with the intention of seeing him, then he could come and find him on his own.

XXX

* * *

"Alexander," his name echoed in the alcove he'd been hiding in all day.

"Magnus," Alec breathed out turning to face him, this greeting oddly reminiscent of the last time they had spoken. "I never thought I'd see you _here_ ," Alec smiled wryly.

Magnus came to stand beside him. Alec's words held double meanings, 'I never thought you'd step foot in Idris',.......'I never thought you'd come after me'.

"Well that makes two of us.... “ Magnus said.

Taking a deep breath he forged on, determined not to make a mess of it this time. Adding a raised eyebrow and a gesture to his clothes, he said, “I'm not one for subtlety Alexander so I'll just say what I need to say....….I wanted to see you..... I miss you,”

The words hung on the air, Alec was relieved to hear that, but really what did that change? If Magnus wasn't ready to fight for this then they were still back where they started. Sensing that he wasn't going to get a reply just yet, Magnus continued.

“Catarina asked you about the other day” Alec raised a brow, why would _she_ do that, he'd never even met her. “She wanted to know when you were coming back, so she wouldn't have to deal with me moping anymore....”

“And what did you tell her?”Alec asked, trying to picture what a moping Magnus would look like. He smiled briefly as an utterly ridiculous image appeared in his mind.

“That I didn't know..... but that I hoped it would be soon.” Magnus smiled tentatively, but his eyes still held a sadness.

“Magnus, I'm not going back.... not unless things have changed..... have they?”

Magnus twisted his rings around his fingers nervously, head ducked down. Alec smiled at the gesture, Magnus was rarely off his game like this and the vulnerability was endearing. Without lifting his head Magnus said softly,

“I've had a lot time to think over your words since you left...you were right. I _could_ have had both, but I just couldn't see it. I should have tried harder......” There was a thoughtful pause before Magnus lifted his eyes to meet Alec's “....can I _**still**_ have both Alexander?”

Alec took Magnus by the hand, lifting it to rest on his chest, his heartbeat thrumming against Magnus' fingers. They still had a lot to work through, they had both lied about things that should have been unforgivable... but they always found a way back to each other.

“You _always_ had me,” he whispered, “I was just …...”

Magnus' heart lifted and he cut Alec off as he cupped his face, leaning in to kiss him, but stopped short as Alec placed a finger to his lips.

“Wait,” Alec whispered, the words cutting Magnus like glass, “ if we're starting again then I need to do it right this time. You need to know everything.”

“I don't understand,” Magnus said breathlessly, voice as desperate as Alec's had been in the hallway that dreaded day.

“I have commitments here, I can't just up and leave.... I know the irony of that” Alec said, he'd left New York that day after the fight without a thought for the Institute or anything else, “Knowing that you want me there, I want nothing more than to come back home, and I will, I just don't know when yet.... please understand.....”

“I do Alexander,” Magnus smiled at the word 'home', with a hint of sadness, “I'll wait for you.”

“Thank you,” Alec smiled, “ and now you know everything, can I kiss you now?.....”

Magnus closed the distance and whispered, “that is something you never have to ask.”

X X X

They cuddled up in Alec's room until it was time to leave, not really speaking other than a few words here and there. They didn't need to re-hash the past right now. They weren't naïve enough to think that there would be no repercussions but they had come full circle and were enjoying that feeling of being in love again.

“It's time for me to go,” Magnus whispered against Alec's temple.

“I know,” Alec sighed, tightening his arms around Magnus not wanting to let go, “I'll walk you out.”

“No....I can find my way, I want this, here in this room to be my last memory of you until you come home, not watching you disappear behind a portal.”

Alec pressed a kiss into Magnus' hair and smiled, memories.... funny how they were a source for good this time.

“I love you,”

Magnus pulled away slightly, tears wetting his eyes, that was the first time he had heard Alec say that in so long and it overwhelmed him, He hated the memory of not saying it back, he would be able to say it enough.

“I love you too.”

He cupped Alec's face in both hands and kissed him tenderly before pulling him into a hug, “Good bye my love.” he whispered as he walked to the door,

“No.... I'll see you soon,” Alec corrected. Magnus smiled as he walked down the hall way, this time, stopping at the end and looking back at Alec who stood in his bedroom doorway, smile beaming across his face.

“I'll see you soon,” Magnus echoed as he carried on out of sight. Soon couldn't come soon enough.

X X X

The war was over. Magnus could scarcely believe it. The war was over , they were all safe.... but they weren't all here.

He looked around the Hunters Moon, mentally checking in on his friends one at a time. They had made it. … he should be thrilled but instead he stood in the corner alone watching from a distance.

Since Magnus had left Idris, he and Alec hadn't seen each other but they had stayed in touch... mostly by letter. Calling between realms wasn't an option and there was something more intimate about thinking long and hard about the words you were sending to someone anyway.

They were back together in spirit but until it could be in the flesh, it still didn't feel real. They had decided not to tell anyone yet, to enjoy getting to know one another again privately before they announced themselves to the world. There was still a lot of trust to rebuild and they didn't need an audience.

If Magnus was honest, ghosts of the past did still visit him late at night, whispering viciously in his ear that the secrecy was because Alec had changed his mind... it was hard to ignore them, but he was holding his own so far.

He wished more than anything that Alec was here, that he could see those beautiful hazel eyes, hear the deep tones of his voice telling him that the war was over.... it would all be ok now …. and then..... as if by magic.....

“Alec! Oh my god! What are you doing here?” Izzy squealed and jumped into her brothers' arms as he stepped through the door.

“I heard there was a party.... my invite is in the mail right?” he dead-panned, as he hugged her close and put her back down on the floor.

“Oh yeah, you're a real party animal big bro?” she teased as Jace approached pulling Alec into a hug.

“You've not getting your job back,” Jace joked,

“Oh don't worry you can keep it,” Alec smiled, purposefully catching Magnus' eyes, “That's not what I came for.”

Izzy practically bounced on her feet as she caught sight of the old sparks between them again and nudged Alec in the back.

“Thanks Sis, but I can handle it from here.” Izzy didn't know where this light confidence had come from but it suited her brother.

Alec greeted various Shadowhunters and Downworlders as he made his was across the bar, eyes never leaving Magnus.

“Alexander?” Magnus said, a question in his voice.

“Magnus,” Alec smiled, this was clearly a new way of greeting each other now. “Come with me.” he said taking Magnus' hands and pulling him gently towards the alley. They had wasted enough time.

Magnus stood at a distance under the lanterns completely blind sided, he'd had no idea Alec was coming, he could hardly believe it was real. Alec paced slightly as if trying to find the right words before turning pointedly and just smiling silently.

Alec closed the distance in a few short strides and pulled Magnus to him by the lapels of his jacket, lips reuniting at long last. Magnus let out a soft moan as his hands ran up Alec's back to grip his shoulders, pulling him closer. Alec chased Magnus' lips as he pulled away to draw breath, foreheads resting against each other. Magnus smiled into the next kiss as he pressed their lips back together again.

Alec cupped Magnus' face as the chaotic energy turned tender, pulling away only so he could look into Magnus' eyes. Alec pressed his face into Magnus' shoulder as he pulled him into a hug, every inch of their bodies touching, soaking in every bit of each other that they had missed.

“I love you Alexander,” Magnus whispered, running his hand through the hair at the base of Alec's neck.

Alec placed a kiss to Magnus' jaw, “I love you too,”

They stood face to face, holding hands, unable to control their smiles, “Are you staying?” Magnus asked, daring to hope.

Alec didn't answer, he just smiled wider and Magnus knew all he needed to. Tugging on Magnus' hand, gently Alec whispered, “Do you wanna get out of here?”

“Yes,” Magnus smiled, “Let's go home.”

  
  



End file.
